If there are any underaged readers (let's say under 18), you aren't supposed to be reading Badsnake on a regular basis anyway. Go on wit ya. Git. Scat. Scoot. Shoo.

Okay. Now it's just us nonjudgmental adults, right?

You know how you were always a sexual adventurer in your youth? You'd go anywhere, try anything (safe of course)? And then you hit your thirties and a few years past that you realized that your adventurer street cred was about to shrivel up and blow away?

So Sara has been exploring some stuff that she's got some curiosity about and which might lead to hooking up with "a penis with a pulse" as she says. And through these explorations, she made some contacts with a group that arranges for different types of group sexual encounters. And she got permission to go observe one of these gatherings.

It's been well over a year since I went to the local dungeon, so I was sort of feeling my adventurer cred withering, myself, so I went along with her. Plus, she did say that she would feel a bit safer if I went along.

Now the name of this type of sexual gathering is a Japanese word that I'm not going to put out here because I don't want to get Google hits from it. The crux of the thing is, a woman agrees to or volunteers to be the recipient of (topically or orally) a lot of ejaculate. In the traditional sense, she just kneels or lies there and gets coated.

Now, picture yourself at Waffle House. See your waitress? She's in her late 40s and does not look young for her age, but she still looks good in a uniform 'cause God knows she gets enough exercise being on her feet all day. Then there's the missing a tooth thing that sort of detracts, and the bleached blond hair that looks like a valiant effort at hanging on to the fading youth. Look. There's another waitress who looks very much like her, except the missing tooth is on the other side.

Now see yourself transported to a Motel with a Number in the Name. You're in adjoining rooms and one is normal while the other has had all the furniture pushed to the sides, the mattress frames leaned up against the walls, and some photo studio type lights set up to illuminate a mattress on the floor. Inside this room are your Waffle House waitresses, naked, chain smoking and drinking Milwaukee's Best. In the other room is a growing number of men, gathering and asking each other when things are going to start. The mix of men is pretty eclectic. From guys who look like retired truck drivers to young men who look like they are on a break between classes at Morehouse or Georgia Tech to guys who look like they're on leave from the Army for the weekend. There are about 15 of them by the time the action starts.

See how most of them are intimidated by Badsnake, who is trying to be as nonintimidating as she possibly can be? See how whichever room she and Sara go into, most of the men leave? It's weird. She and Sara, other than the WH waitresses, are the only women there. A couple of the men, though, are nice, personable, and not acting like they're afraid their mothers are about to catch them doing something naughty that will make them go blind.

Yes, we old hands at sexual adventure know that the reality of who the participants of these edgy, wild, on the verge type practices are pretty mundane in comparison to what you're probably imagining.

This particular event is going to be more interactive than a traditional gathering of this kind. The women aren't just going to sit there, they're going to give blow jobs. And pretty much just like every other public display of sex I've ever been up close and personal to, the participants are wholly blas� about it, and you would not know from the tone of their voices whether they were asking if you want a coffee refill or asking if the guys were going to pull their pants and underwear entirely off or if they would be sucking dick through unzipped flys.

And I'm standing there, being as nonchalant as the rest of the guys, because that's how you behave at one of these things. You don't get too excited. You try not to look anxious or nervous. And you don't turn to your friend and go, "Oh my god, these women are skanky!" Especially because you don't actually know these women, and they could very possibly be chain-smoking, Milwaukee's-Best-drinking, toothless college professors getting their kicks on the weekend. And by God, more power to them for being gutsy enough to do something like this in their late 40s, feeling damn sexy while they're at it. By the way, both of the women I'm talking about have their own for-profit, porn web sites.

The women warmed up with each other on the mattress on the floor, to sort of get the guys in the mood. They looked like they had learned how to play with each other from the lesbians on straight porn videos. To their credit, they did not do that gross hyper-extended tongue kissing thing that the women always do with each other on those videos.

Dear Porn Directors,
Women sticking their tongues way out and flapping them at each other does not look sexy. It looks retarded.

Love,
Badsnake

On the other hand, one of them did have really long press-on nails, which made me gasp in sympathy fear when I noticed them.

The girls had to goad the men into coming up and getting started. They were probably afraid that I was going to step up and whip out something bigger if they dared to unzip. I really wanted to watch the men watching the women, but every time I tried, they would make eye contact and then look away in a sort of "I'm not doing anything" fashion. I wanted to watch them enjoying it, but that wasn't working out.

Finally four men stepped up to the mattress, and each woman took two. One of the guys, we'll call him Tex, was a good looking young black man who had been very friendly and quite at ease with both Sara and I, and so it was kinda fun to watch him get blown. He was well hung, and he let his pleasure really show in his face, where some of the other guys had such deadpan expressions you'd never know they had their cock in a woman's mouth.

Tex actually talked to the woman who was doing him, complimented her, put his hand at the back of her head to guide her rhythm, and, well, damn. Watching him get blown was hot.

We watched eight or so guys get blown. One woman had to work forever to get off her first two. We had to move around a bit to be able to see, too. At one point, I had a way better view by looking away from the women and into the mirror over the dresser. When the women took a break and started to lick come off each other, that's when I leaned over and told Sara I was ready to go whenever she was. Bleah. Fantasy ejaculate is fun to play with, but that shit tastes nasty in real life, and I was having spurts (no pun intended) of memory back to when I used to actually have sex with men. I think Sara was having a milder form of the same reaction, so we split.

That was more real life, in person dicks than I'd ever seen. Overall the experience was very interesting but not very erotic for me. Just about what I expected. (We did have a really good date when we got home, though.) If I ever find these woman pouring my coffee at Waffle House, I'm going to tip very well. She works hard for it, honey.

Moving on - 12:11 p.m. , 2007-08-14

Where the hell have I been? - 12:10 p.m. , 2007-02-19

Holy shit! - 2:24 p.m. , 2006-01-11

Stuffing recipe - 6:17 p.m. , 2005-12-13

Good Life Update - 10:22 a.m. , 2005-11-11