It seems the little stuffed lamb, known as buddy, met with an untimely demise. Below are the crime scene photos from before the body was removed, so avert your eyes and scroll on down if you're squeamish.

Fluff splatter patterns indicate a ripping motion from left to right. The vic was completely disemboweled from esophagus to squeaky air bladder. Two feline witnesses are ready to swear that the dog, a current resident of Rancho Lesbiano, did it. Said witnesses, however, are unreliable and biased claims dog. Dog reports that cats have framed her in the past, blaming their own acts of flagrant urinary vandalism on her. Nevertheless, canine cannot account for her whereabouts at the time of the incident and has been observed by more reliable witnesses to grab "Buddy" and cause him bodily harm on other occasions, "thrashing him around in her mouth, like a dog obsessed"; "Yeah, she totally liked kickin' that lamb's ass. She got off on it."

Dog is the prime suspect at this time. Charges pending on the outcome of tests on saliva gathered at the scene.

So what was Christmas morning like at the Rancho? I got up with Angel as usual; we went for a one-mile walk, me bundled up against the cold. Deb got up later and we tried to wake up as best we could. We turned on the Girlfriend Lights�a set of big-bulbed white Christmas lights that stay up in the reading room all year long. They work as a signal to let the girls next door know that we're awake without anyone having to phone anyone. When Jake and Sara were ready for us, they called to say come on over. Over we went, in several trips to carry presents. We ate orange rolls, drank champagne and mimosas, and opened stocking stuffers. Do other adults still do stockings? I sucked at it this year, contributing about three presents to the stocking filling. I didn't even wrap Deb's (ham flavored bouillon).

But stockings are fun. You get neat stuff. I got AAA batteries and a pair of dishwashing gloves. I also opened some fingernail polish, but that was one of Deb's presents that had accidently made its way into my stocking instead of hers. I quickly turned it over to the proper recipient.

We opened a couple big presents and then took a break. I got a coffee refill from Rancho South, took Angel out and smoked a cig. Then it was on to more present opening. Santa brought all the nice girls at Rancho Lesbiano a deep freeze. Or at least the promise of a deep freeze. Deb will get two shelves and Sara will get two shelves. Jake and I will be the benefactors of much good eating.

My presents (the ones I got, I mean) tended to follow a theme. See if you can guess what it is. I got condoms (6), bed pads (36), cuttable panties (5 pr), and a new dick.

The new dick is awesome�a seven-inch, black cyberskin model. I can't wait to try it out. Deb may get a surprise tonight. *grin* We'll have to give it a name because now I've got two black ones. Suggestions? Winner gets a postcard.

So the dick box has finally reached its maximum occupancy level. Exceeded it in fact. Deb got another dick, designated as "the attic dick", a jelly model, because she says I always take all the dicks with me when she and Jake have a date in the attic and I have one next door. This one is supposed to stay in the attic. But we can't store it in the dick box. Apparently jelly and cyberskin don't mix, and you can't store the two together. We may have to go back to Simpler Tymes and get another armoire just for dicks. Actually, we've already got a cedar armoire up in the attic that just stores some of the previous homeowner's stuff, including her wedding dress. We're thinking about converting that into a sex toy closet. So, winner of the dick naming contest gets a postcard and a wedding dress.

Jake also gave me a new VCR so that I can do programmed recording from Direct TV. This one has the capacity to program channels with more than two digits.

I gave Sara a framed 8x10 of Jake (the one from the postcard series); gave Jake a coffee grinder to go with her new cappucino maker; and gave Deb a guidebook to Savannah, so now she (and you) knows where she's going for her 45th birthday trip. And there was even more stuff. The giving was kind of excessive this year, but it was all stuff we could really use or enjoy.

Sammy graced us with a present of Christmas Poo (just like Mr. Hanky), which featured little flecks of silver and green aluminum foil.

You can't see the colors too well in the photo, but they're there. Seems little Sam-Sam got into a bag of Hershey's Kisses that were supposed to go into stockings and helped himself (damn dog), even though he wasn't too successful at the unwrapping before eating part.

Then we Rancho girls went to have lunch at Waffle House, open 365 days a year, 24 hours a day. Sara's treat.

One of our town's finest came in while we were eating, so Sara called him over to the table, quickly asking Deb if we had food for one more for dinner. Ha. Of course we do. So she asked the officer if he wanted to stop by for dinner between shifts, and he accepted. We finished lunch and Sara tipped the waiter a $20.

For the rest of the afternoon I tried to get the house and the dog into decent shape while Deb started cooking. The girls came over later in the afternoon and helped out a LOT. Our guest officer showed up about 15 minutes before dinner was ready. He just walked in the front door, and Angel ran up and greeted him like a long lost master. Nobody ever said she was a guard dog, I guess. If our home is ever invaded by cats I think we'll be well protected, though.

He wasn't exactly eye-candy material, but still it was cool to have someone in complete uniform, including Kevlar, at the Christmas dinner table. Just a little fetish tweak for those of us who are badge bunnies. It also made for interesting dinner conversation. At one point I teased Sara about being forgetful, and just as she was about to threaten to withhold sex, which is what I was anticipating she would do, she remembered that there was one of her coworkers at the table, and she doesn't really want gossip about our little family arrangement to get out all over the department. So she had to bite her tongue and give me the glare of death.

Sara and I cleaned up afterward; the officer had to go back on shift, but was obviously very appreciative of the good meal. And boy was it good. Deb did a fantastic job. All in all a great day. I love my life, and I love my family. Someone recently asked me what my dreams and aspirations were. I just had to say that I felt I was living the good life right now, and to want anything more would just be foolish. I hope everyone else out there finds the same kind of happiness.