For the context, you have to see my latest Guestbook entries. I'll go ahead and quote them here, because by tomorrow they may be two or three pages down.

Ahem.

Catriona says:

"Are you a bit confused as to your sexual identity?..it's just as a lesbian, i don't understand how you can use fake cocks and give blowjobs like a man does. I mean the whole thing about being a lesbian is that you are attracted to women and sex with a woman not men and imitating straight sex like you seem to do totally rubbishes all that. I don't get it!! Lesbians are always having to defend themselves against people who think we really need or want a cock and that deep down we can never really be satisfied with a woman. The porn industry is one of the perpetrators of such misconceptions and people like you don't help, imitating straight sex in a lesbian relationship. That's just fucked up man!!! If my g/f came over to me with a strap on cock and asked me to suck it i'd fuckin kill her lol I am a lesbian and as such have no physical attraction towards men or their cocks. That is what a lesbian is!! and i don't wanna imitate straight sex with my g/f, i want to have normal sex between 2 women, without fake penises!! If you do want that kinda thing, then you must be bisexual. And if you like cocks so much why not get a man? or maybe you could have a sex change op so you could have a real one!! The you could be man and woman and live happily ever after!!"

...and then her girlfriend, Charlene, says:

"Man, you're sick. You give lesbians a bad name. I mean, since when do lesbians like cocks or dildos?? Um... since NEVER!! What's all that shit about doing all the "man actions" and pretending to cum on her face and chest?? That's STRAIGHT sex not lesbian sex!! There are enough ppl already who think lesbians shag a woman and then turn round and suck a cock because of the porn industry without you making it worse! If you're female and fancy women - fine! But you obviously fancy men too so you are BI not lesbian. Understand?? Lesbians don't wanna suck cocks!! Just the same as straight men don't wanna suck cocks! Why suck a plastic one anyway? Why not just get a real one? Just stop callin yourself lesbian and giving people the impression that lesbians in fact really do want a cock! WE DON'T!! Man, you're a strange one!"

Where do I start? At first I thought I had my own version of Gawain's Aunt Roberta in his guestbook. But these girls aren't funny. So, Vondage, since you're my biggest UK fan that I know of now that Chemykal Girl moved back to the states, you're going to have to go kick these girls' arses for me. Or go wave a big dildo at them and yell, "you know you want it!" Hee.

I related the gist of these entries to Deb when she called me from work, telling her about the whole "lesbians who use dildoes aren't real lesbians" stuff.

Deb: I thought that concept was dead.
Bad: Apparently not.
Deb: Oh, honeys, come back from 1970.
Bad: Honey, I don't think these chicks were born in 1970.
Deb: That's what makes it so strange.

I did some reading in Charlene and Cantelope's diaries. They're obviously young, both vegetarians, one's in Glasgow, one's not out to her family yet, and both of them list Desert Hearts (1985) as one of their favorite movies. Oh, Goddess, spare me from pompous young lesbians.

Let me tell you, girls, I worked for a queer newspaper for 11 years, and met all kinds of lesbians, and there are all kinds, among which, yours is the most annoying. Contrary to giving lesbians a bad name, I believe (and I think my readers will back me up on this) that I have shown that not all lesbians are humorless, judgmental, man-hating prudes, which seems to be the worst (and sometimes deserved) reputation lesbians get saddled with.

And let's get some of your misconceptions out of the way. Are you still reading, Cassava and Cantelope? We're not lesbians; we're ROGUE lesbians, sort of like how Wesley used to be a rogue demon slayer on "Angel". The Council of Purest Lesbianism took away our cards a long time ago. Actually, Sara is bi, has pretty much always been bi, and is referred to as bi in my Cast of Characters entry way, way back at the beginning of this diary. I need to update that thing. Her partner is a woman, I've practically ruined her for men, and she hasn't been with a guy for a couple years now, but she's still technically bi, so she gets to suck cock if she wants to. And Jake and Deb have both expressed their own degress and identification as bi. But again, Deb hasn't had sex with a man for about 11 or 12 years now. Jake hasn't had one for a couple years either, I think, and she's primarily attracted to gay men, which means actually getting one to agree to fooling around is much harder, but that doesn't stop her from trying.

So actually, I am the most lesbian lesbian of the four of us. I haven't had sex with a man since 1985 or 86, AND my Labrys tattoo with one crescent moon blade ...

... brands me for life as a Sister of Sappho. Or a Sister of Cell Block H, which is where it looks like I got this thing. But like I was saying, a Denizen of Dykedom, a Bull of Daggerville, a Lincoln Log of Lesbos. Whatever. I don't identify as bi because I don't feel bi, and you little girls should respect your elders' sexual identities.

And if you think I'm going to get a sex change, you don't know me and you don't know trannies. FtoMs get totally ripped on that deal. Twenty-five thousand bucks and you get a small dick that doesn't work very well. I'm way too cheap and way too big of a size queen to settle for that. I prefer my cocks in lots of sizes, perenially hard, and reasonably priced. I like to be able to shuck it off, wash it up, and stick it back in the dick box when I'm done with it.

Just because I like to wear a cock sometimes and play in male headspace with one of my lovers doesn't mean I'm straight. The straight actresses Helen Shaver and Patricia Charbonneau (who was pregnant during filming, by the way) played a very convincing love scene in your beloved "Desert Hearts", and probably had fun doing it, but does that make them lesbians? I don't think so. If I do age play, does that make me a child molester? That would be a HELL no.

It means I have an imagination. Say it with me together, boys and girls: eee-mah-jin-ayyyy-shun. And I have unlimited options in my fun, fun sex life, because no matter what gear I may or may not be using, my brain is always my primary sex organ.

If Appalonia and Tammy are still reading this, they're either real troopers, or their preparing to try to rip me another new one. Regardless, on I shall rant!

Where was I? Oh, yeah ... you accuse me of adding to misconceptions perpetrated by the porn industry. Ha! I AM part of the porn industry. I'm not an add-on, I'm a full-fledged contributor. I wrote a lesbian erotica story for Penthouse, for chrissakes. I geared the fucker to a male audience and managed to tweak their testicles without a man so much as getting to cop a feel through the whole story. THEN I wrote a story for a collection of lesbian erotica, and I threw a MAN into the mix. HA! That one got published by one of the butchest bulldykes you'll ever lay eyes on.

But you girls probably don't respect the butch/femme thing either. All lesbians must be wimminly womyn, without too much make-up or too short hair. Sigh. Your loss. Options narrowed further.

Did I miss anything? I should wrap this up. Ummm ... I don't suck cock, my girlfriend does. (That would make an ultra cool t-shirt.) Some women get bored with just finger-fucking and oral sex after a while. You may discover that one day. And finally, I don't really want to be a man, I just want to play one on TV.

P.S. "If my g/f came over to me with a strap on cock and asked me to suck it i'd fuckin kill her lol" � That's not funny; that's passive/aggressive. *Shudder*