Back to Sunday.

I got porn in my e-mailbox Sunday morning. Actually, it had been sitting there since Wednesday, and I just hadn't checked that address in awhile. Thanks, G (not Gawain). I'm still waiting on your report on "How I liked the porn story Bad sent me in return."

I'm really tempted to send porn to Gawain's wife Ever. I could be convinced to do it with just a little encouragement.

Strangely, dogs seemed to be everywhere I looked this weekend.

And when I went to buy tobacco at the cigar store on Saturday, the guy ringing me out started talking about a service he'd heard of where you can pay people to come pick up all the dog shit in your yard. And whether it's a real job or just a joke. [Inner monologue represented by brackets.]

Me: That's a real job I think.

Guy: That's just stupid. If you don't have time to clean up after your dog, you don't need to have a dog. I mean, that's one shitty job, pun intended.

Me: Ha, ha. Sure. [Shut up.]

Guy: And then I heard about pet HMOs. Now that's just completely over the top. I mean, when my cat is ready to go�she's 14 now�I'm just going to have her put to sleep. I would never spend so much money on her that I'd need an HMO to blah blah blah...

Me: [shutupshutupshutup]

Yesterday afternoon Jake was about to blow blood out her ears because someone had left their dog in their minivan in the parking lot with the windows cracked. It was definitely too hot for anyone to do that.

I suggested keying the van (but wasn't serious). Sara suggested we not do anything that could get us arrested. Deb and I sat quietly in the backseat and worried (probably both of us, I know I was) that the situation would actually turn into a parking lot confrontation if the van owners returned as Jake got out of our car and studied the van and stuck her hand through the cracked window to see how hot it was inside.

I also realized this morning that I don't have to sit a wine crate in front of the litter box to keep Katie from eating cat shit anymore.

And by the way, thanks again for the outpouring of sympathy that I got in private mails and in my book. You guys are really sweet.

Where were we? Sunday afternoon. Big family day planning session. We're like a bunch of soccer moms trying to plan the weekend or something, except instead of soccer and laundry and groceries and ballet practice, we're talking about sex and naps and shopping and time to sit in the back yard in the sun and drink.

Dear God, my life is good.

Sara needed new work shoes, but she also wanted to have a date with me. Deb wanted to go shopping and have back yard time. Jake feared that if Sara didn't get the shoes on Sunday, she would avoid shopping for them on Monday. I was deciding between an afternoon of D-land updating, taking a walk, and lounging on the couch or going shopping with the girls just because I enjoy their company.

After much strategizing, the plan came down to all of us going to an outlet mall where there's a Rockport store, no date on Sunday (Tuesday instead), and then we'd eat a quick meal for dinner before Sara had to go to work.

On the drive to the mall, we saw a horrible, miles-long traffic jam headed back north (the way we'd have to return), groaned, and had to do more strategizing. We stopped at a motorcycle shop to look for some boots for Jake. And then on to the outlet mall. The traffic jam still there.

The mall was hugely crowded, we suspect because traffic jammers were killing time. No one had uniform regulation conforming shoes that Sara needed. Deb bought some little stuff at a kitchen store. The traffic barely thinned.

We did see a bunch (comparatively to what we'd normally see out in the country) of dykes and fags at the mall. Three sets of butch/femmes, three white gay guys, and a rarely seen out in the sticks obviously gay black guy.

Girlfriend had his sister-sneer plastered on. That's the little lip lift-and-curl that makes you look like you're smelling something bad all the time but which really displays your disdain for all the horrendous fashion choices and rural straight people you're surrounded by. I was finding it hard not to stare and cheer.

We stopped for dinner at one of those combination Taco Bell/Pizza Hut/KFC restaurants. What ... a ... sty. Oh my god. You'd think a manager hadn't stepped in the place in a week. Out in the dining room there were no cup lids, no napkins, no plasticware�basically none of the stuff that you're supposed to pick up yourself. There was food crap all over the floor. The tables hadn't been wiped off (not one clean one in the place). There was only one garbage can in the dining room, so it's really no wonder that diners had left shit all over the place. (You can't really expect somebody to WALK fourteen steps to throw something away, can you?)

Yeah, we ate there anyway. And for anyone who's counting what my diet has consisted of lately:

Friday: Chik-fil-A lunch
nachos and rum-and-Diet Coke dinner

Saturday: Cocoa Puffs breakfast
Arby's lunch
candy
mexican restaurant food dinner
followed by more candy

Sunday: Egg sandwich breakfast
blueberry waffle and bacon (Bacon Day!) brunch
Taco Bell food dinner
followed by more candy

Not a lot of vegetables in there.

We made it back home JUST in time for Sara to jump into her uniform and get to the station. Deb ate a salad at home and then spent some time with Jake at their house while I watched TV at ours.

I love Malcolm in the Middle. Nothing can cheer you up and make you forget your troubles better than seeing a whole family band together to beat the crap out of a bunch of clowns.

This morning I got up at 5:00 a.m., ate the breakfast of champions (one of the Little Debbie's Swiss Cake Rolls that I bought on Sat.), stretched, and went for a 2.25-mile walk.

Jake left shortly after I got home, so I paid a morning visit to Sara. I'm not sure she'll remember it. I didn't say much. Actually, a pretty gentle vamp session for us. When we were done, I told her to go back to sleep, have sweet dreams, and that I love her. She might be reminded when she wakes up naked.

I did notice that she's got a huge bruise on her ass that I don't know where it came from. I'm pretty sure I didn't do it. She may not even know it's there.

And that's about it for now.

Family dinner Tuesday and date night Monday have been swapped because Deb took today off to go bike riding with one of her wine store buds. Tuesday night, Deb is assisting with a cooking class, so that's when Sara and I will have our evening together.

Thanks to the other two folks who listed me as their reference for a Gold D-land membership. And thank you, Andrew. That makes 60,000 extra banner views. I got a non-form letter e-mail from Andrew telling me thanks and letting me know that I can change the banner ad if I want. Any suggestions?