Yes, it was a winter hormone wonderland at the old Badsnake household. My hormones. As Deb said, we couldn't call ourselves a real family if there weren't drama with the holidays.

The whole story gets pretty complex, but here's the short version. Sunday, Christmas Eve, was great. We had wonderful family time all day long, and even though Deb had told me last week that she didn't want me to have a date with Sara on Christmas day, that she wanted it to be a family day, my traitorous subconscious hopes apparently had another plan.

Xmas morning went great. Present-opening was very successful. Then I asked if we could plan some time for me and Sara to have a date in the afternoon. Or maybe it was Sara who asked. Anyway, Deb was not for it, but she was begrudgingly willing to negotiate something. Very begrudging. Using that tone of voice people use when they say "whatever" and really mean, go ahead and do it but it's not what I want and I'll be a martyr about it later. It just sapped the day's happiness right out of me and drenched me in a defeatist attitude. I didn't want to have to fight for the right to have sex with my girlfriend. I wanted to give up and feel sorry for myself, which I did, for the rest of the day. I was also weepy and depressed for most of the rest of the day, even after it was decided that Sara and I could have a date tonight (Tuesday). Even after Jake told me that chances were good that I'd usually get to have a date night with Sara on one of her two days off while she's on night shift for the next three months. I had expressed my fear that in the near future all I would get to see of Sara alone would be a 30 minute slot on some mornings that Jake left for work really early and before I had to leave for work myself.

Time scheduling and priorities in our family get really frustrating for me. It may sound whiny, but sometimes I feel like my emotional needs are what get met when there's time left over from everybody else getting what they need. A lot of the time, Sara is in the same boat as me, but I can't speak for her.

I just want to know why, instead of giving me the exasperated sigh and the look that says, "God, don't you care about anything else?", when I try to arrange a date with Sara, Deb can't say, "Sure, you deserve it," or "Go ahead, you haven't been able to spend any time with Sara all week, have you? Have fun." I just know that if I'd wanted to go get a two hour massage (if such a thing were available on Christmas day), Deb would have been all supportive. If I'd decided that I really wanted to get shit-faced and proceeded to drink half a bottle of rum, she would have told me to drink some water, but she wouldn't have sounded as disappointed as she did when we asked for a date. It makes me feel like I'm pathetic, two dimensional, and simple for caring about sex and the time I spend with Sara. I also think Deb would respect our relationship more if Sara and I spent more of the time we're alone together not having sex. But because that's what we usually want to do when we're together, it seems our wishes are treated as just not that worthwhile.

I also seem to mentally put myself in a child role to Deb's parent when it comes to arranging sex time. Like, if I'm good enough and do all my chores and I've spent time with the family and paid enough attention to Deb, then I deserve play time. If I've been really good, and I still don't get it, I can get supremely resentful.

In short, I don't think it was all PMS. I'm still feeling some of the same grievances today, and I think I've been picking up on unspoken issues between me and Deb.

In defense of Deb, she does have the right to express her disappointment. I just wish I knew that she understood how that makes me feel. I see more talking and crying in my immediate future.

Wish me luck on shakin' this mess outta my head before my date tonight. Actually, once I get up in the attic with Sara, it doesn't take too long to refocus.

Moving on - 12:11 p.m. , 2007-08-14

Where the hell have I been? - 12:10 p.m. , 2007-02-19

Holy shit! - 2:24 p.m. , 2006-01-11

Stuffing recipe - 6:17 p.m. , 2005-12-13

Good Life Update - 10:22 a.m. , 2005-11-11