In my head, I was shoving my huge cock down Sara's throat. I had a fist full of her hair in each hand. Her expression was pained, but she wasn't fighting.

I love masturbation fantasy. I can do anything. Nobody gets hurt. I'm extremely limber and my cock is flesh-and-blood and huge but still stays hard as long as I want it to.

I had been imagining Sara on her knees, but then I pictured her on her knees with her back against the brick wall of an alley. I saw myself facing her, fucking her face, and as my forehead touched the wall, I came.

Pfhht.

A pathetic little come. Way too mellowed and spread out. Muted. Like the soft pfffpup of an air rifle instead of a shotgun blast. Dammit. Too impatient.

I probably could have gone for another one, but that's the problem with masturbating at bedtime. Even a small orgasm will take me to a relaxed, sleepy place, and if I'm not careful, I'll fall asleep with the vibrator in my hand and wake up with the cord wrapped around my neck.

It'd be a good way to go with a smile on your face, but you don't want the crime scene people to find you like that. All the cops would want to see the pictures.

My first orgasm, when I was 17, came as the result of frottage with a boyfriend back in my high school days. I was horny as all get-out, and we were making out on the couch, a lot of outside-the-clothes stroking going on, and the crotch seam in my bluejeans was apparently in just the right place.

That boyfriend, my first steady, was sweet, but the worst kisser I've ever experienced. He'd open his mouth like an anaconda trying to swallow my head, and he had a really big mouth. He would wrap his lips around my face practically from ear to ear. I'd have to say that he was a pretty good fuck when we eventually did get to have actual, penetrative sex. For a teenage boy, he could hold on to his load admirably. I don't know how he kept from coming in his pants when we were grinding around on the couch.

But my next orgasm didn't come until about five or six years later when I got my first vibrator. Sucks, huh? I had been ejaculating when my girlfriend fucked me, but the sensation was so diluted, I didn't even consider it an orgasm. Not like the charged, highly focused clitoral orgasm I got from the vibrator. A Service Merchandise "personal massager," which is basically the widely available vibrator for American women who don't have access to sex toy stores or who don't want to admit that they use a vibrator.

Whoo, I loved that little plug-in baby. I had a memorial service for it when it finally shorted out and died. It's body rests on my mantel in a cloisonn� urn decorated with goddess symbols and an ode to Conair.

Former U.S. Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders is my hero. She was crucified by a bunch of prudes for a really, really good idea: talking to kids about masturbation. I don't think I even knew girls could masturbate until I was in my late, late teens or early twenties. How sick is that?

I picked up and fucked a drunken college boy after a football game one time, all because I didn't have the sense to go home, fuck myself and pass out happy.

Here's how pathetic this one-nighter was. I was completely drunk. I picked up this guy. Took him back to my dorm room, fucked the hell out of him, then when he wanted a ride home the next morning, I said, "No fucking way. Walk home." But I said it more politely than that.

Then one of my friends came to my door a few minutes later. I said "Good morning, Susie (or whatever her name was), what was the name of that guy I was with last night?" Then she stepped back, and he was still standing there.

This ill-advised fuckfest led to my one pregnancy scare. I was about two months late. I went to the religious cult den disguised as free pregnancy testing clinic. Had to watch "Silent Scream." Got a false positive on my pregnancy test. Said, "Hell no, I'm not going to have a baby, you creepy, smarmy religious freak," to the Baptist counsellors of the damned.

The whatsisname guy happened to be in one of my classes that quarter, too. Talk about karma. I went to a real doctor, got a negative on another pregnancy test, and he told me I just had irregular menses. Whew.

So I'm one of the lucky ones who dodged a bullet. I sincerely believe that I wouldn't have screwed around so recklessly if I had known then what I know now about masturbation.

But god forbid we should encourage kids to jack- and jill-off. Mustn't touch your nasty. Can't allow kids to be sexually aware until their hormones have built up to a level that could power a freight train. Can't let them know that there are a zillion levels of incredibly fun heavy petting techniques between kissing and reproductive sex.

Have you heard that more and more teenage girls are giving blowjobs in lieu of losing their virginity? I sure as hell hope they're getting something back in return for that. Yeah, right.

See, I think there should be real sex ed for teenagers. There are things you can do that don't involve mixing eggs and sperm. But what do we teach them about? Eggs and sperm. What do the teenagers do? Go mix eggs and sperm. Does this really surprise anybody?

And if I got caught talking frankly about this stuff to underage persons, I'd probably be arrested for sexual harrassment and contributing to the delinquency of minors. It sure is a good thing that only adults can access this site.

All right, this rant has gone on quite long enough. Please bow your heads for a minute of silence to honor my first vibrator, then you may file out quietly, and meditate on what I've said for the rest of the day. After you whack off.

Moving on - 12:11 p.m. , 2007-08-14

Where the hell have I been? - 12:10 p.m. , 2007-02-19

Holy shit! - 2:24 p.m. , 2006-01-11

Stuffing recipe - 6:17 p.m. , 2005-12-13

Good Life Update - 10:22 a.m. , 2005-11-11