I've never been so fortunate to be so loved and to love so much in return, and so miserable, so unhappy at the same time.

I was crying yesterday. Crying today. This morning. So afraid that everything we had is about to crumble in a heap and I just can't stand the stress of waiting for it to happen any more.

And then there's the incongruous parts. Salsa dancing in the new year with Deb. Trying to comfort her and ending up wanting to throw a chair. Sex dates with Sara that feel as wonderful and comfortable as they always have. Then pissing her off with my insensitivity. Trying to help. Fucking things up worse.

I just want to hide. Hide behind my computer at work. Hide in a room by myself at home. Hide because I can't do anything else.

I want my family back, and I'm afraid it will never happen.

That's how I feel. Afraid. Constantly afraid. Protective. Hopeful. Hopeless. Happy when I can forget. And then depressed when I'm reminded again.

Deb's trying a new level of separation. I haven't given it a chance yet. Maybe this will work. I don't want to sabotage Deb. I just woke up sad today. Woke up to crying.

Moving on - 12:11 p.m. , 2007-08-14

Where the hell have I been? - 12:10 p.m. , 2007-02-19

Holy shit! - 2:24 p.m. , 2006-01-11

Stuffing recipe - 6:17 p.m. , 2005-12-13

Good Life Update - 10:22 a.m. , 2005-11-11