What I really wanted to tell you about is my girl Tina. She works in a little shop nearby and also in the maternity ward at a local hospital. She's really cute, probably in her 30s, and a hard sell.

We got to be friends because every time I walked past her shop she would badger the shit out of me to buy something.

"When are you going to buy something?"

"I know you need a watch!"

"How about a gift? I know you know somebody who would like one of these shiny, tacky pieces of shit."

She didn't actually say that last part. I'm just expressing my own opinion about the crap she has to sell. Not my style, shall we say.

So I told the family about her, and they said, "Oh, she's flirting with you." And I walked around with that misconception for awhile. Until I learned she has a couple of kids.

Now of course that didn't mean for sure that she wasn't flirting with me. A big percentage of the black lesbians I know have kids. Including this one woman, Dana, who was part owner of a coffeeshop I used to live near. She was a hot, hot, hot, butch electrician and I would've so done anything she wanted. *Badsnake fans self to relieve heat of the memory. Adjusts package.* But I lost touch with her before I became nonmonogamous. *sigh*

Anyway, I'd seen MGT flirt with guys for real, so I figured she was straight, straight.

Then we had that conversation about the new "person" in her life.

About a week later (Monday), I finally caught her without a million shopping biddies surrounding her and asked how that was going.

Now, I can't get that cool black woman patter into words or spelling. Just imagine every other sentence is punctuated with a clit-vibrating (for me, anyway), low-down-in-the-throat noise. And she talks about 800 miles per hour, so I have to focus really hard to keep up. My recount is severely abridged.

Me: So how's the thing with the new person going?

Tina: Unnnnnn. I tried THAT.

Me: *picking chin up off floor, does she mean what I think she means?* Really? How was it?

Tina: *scooching up close to me conspiratorially* Oh girl I was so nervous you wouldn't believe, my palms were all sweaty and my hands where shaking and I was just thinkin' oooooooo and she said honey just calm down, but I couldn't and I didn't know what to do or where to put my hands and I was just so NERVOUS. *and she's looking up at me ('cause she's a little shorter than I am) from under her pretty eyelashes with a look that said she was freaked but excited*

Me: *trying to be supportive that she go at her own pace and not pushing for another recruit who's as cute as she is* Hmmm. Well, it sounds like your nerves can't really take this yet, huh?

Tina: *putting her hand on my arm* Oh yeah, I was just so nervous that first time. *leave a pause here* But the SECOND TIME was GOOD. I liked THAT.

I 'bout hit the floor.

She still sounds a little freaked by the concept. She was telling me about her new girlfriend taking her out.

Tina: Ooooooo and she took me out to these places I ain't never been before and I'm lookin' around thinkin' oh I don't belong here and I'm hoooooldin' on to her arm so tight she took it away and said, "Damn! If I have any circulation left in this arm I'll be amazed," but I didn't ... want ... to ... let go, understand? She said she was going to get us a drink and I started to go with her but she set me right down and told me to stay there, but I reeeeally wanted to go home, you know what I'm sayin?

She is such a trip. I wanted to ask which bar they'd gone to, but people were standing kind of close by that time.

The weird thing is that Tina's dad fixed her up with this woman. She said her dad called her and asked how her weekend was, and Tina said, "I know you already talked to her so what are you doin' callin' tryin' to get in my business? I'm not telling you anything."

Heh.

And her grandmother told her that "it has always been in your nature." Tina wanted to know how the hell her grandmother could think lesbianism had always been in her nature. I know, but I wasn't saying.

Anyway, I just love talking with Tina. She can flirt with me any time. Whether she realizes she's doing it or not.

My other big concern from Monday was all the damned crack Debbie got in the mail. All in one day!

She got Cooks Illustrated, Country Living, an REI catalog, and a notice for a rubber stamping convention. Gah! How am I supposed to control the kind of binge that will inspire?

New recipes, new furniture, new cooking implements, new clogs, new stamping shit, new cooking classes, new hiking boots, new socks, new home accessories, new tent, new ski poles (we don't even ski), new bathtub, new bathroom, new house.

You should've seen her glazed-over eyes as she pored over all the pretty shiny pictures.

Stupid crack magazines filling her head with expensive ideas. I don't mind the recipe part, though. I rather like that bit.

Now I'm going to ignore the previous "note to self." If you know of any fabulous photography-based digital imagers-slash-designers (not illustrators, and they must have hi-res work and not just 72dpi web stuff), leave me a message in my guestbook, and point me to a website or web gallery.

I'm looking for new artists to feature in my magazine. It's national exposure for the lucky artiste. Nominate yourself if you think your stuff rocks. With this economy, now is not the time for modesty.