WOW. This is 22 floors up. Talk about brave and crazy.

Part of me thinks that swinging off a skyscraper wielding a tube of caulk would be an incredible job. Like being a superhero in The Tick. I would call myself Sky Caulker (or Johnny Caulker), and sling my tubes of goopy justice with deadly precision.

What's that? Up there! It's Sky Caulker, swinging in great arcs across the heavens like a human tether ball, dispensing mighty gobbets of white stickiness, like humongous wads of overchewed, flavorless gum spat from the lips of a god.

Part of me thinks it would be a horrible, horrible job. Cold and scary. The window washers here do their job the same way, except they have a bucket full of soapy water hanging off their little carpeted plank seat.

And speaking of justice, I'm seriously considering doing something I've never done before. Totally messing with somebody's head in a not so nice way, on purpose. I'm hesitant, because I think it may screw with the good graces of my current karma.

Here's the backstory. I had this great friend, Kel, in high school. The kind of friend you have a lot of fun with and your parents think is a really bad influence. She always pushed the boundaries of what could be called sane behavior. We did theatre stuff together, and sometimes hung out with other theatre geek kids, including this chick named Paige.

Now Paige was fun too, but also really rich, so she was part of the A-crowd. But she could be a real bitch and snobby, too. Paige and I were never what you would call close.

Jump to 18 years after high school. I've recently gotten back in touch with Kel. She has matured a bit, but still fun. She's also a lesbian now and lives in town. During our catching up process, she tells me that she thinks Paige might have been responsible for some rumors about me that spread around my hometown that really hurt my mom's feelings. This happened right around my 15th high school reunion, which was within a year of my father's death.

I was "out" at my high school reunion. Paige wasn't there, but all the snotty popular girls she was always hooked up with were. I didn't really think being out was much of a big deal, but apparently people in my hometown don't have any better entertainment. I have no idea what was said about me, but my mom doesn't like anyone to say anything bad about her kids.

Kel also told me that Paige teased her (Kel), saying that I was in love with Kel in high school. Isn't this sounding awful teenager-y?

So who do I get an e-mail from yesterday but Paige. Out of the blue. I haven't seen her in nearly 20 years. Here's an excerpt. Editor's notes in brackets.

"How in the world are you? I was cruising [insert how she tracked me down here] and saw you were registered. It is the former Paige [insert her maiden name here], if you have'nt already figured that out. I live outside Indianapolis, am married and have two children, a girl 2, Caroline and a baby boy, Robert, 4 mos. [insert my finger down my throat here] I'm a stay-at-home mom and am deliriously happy. Please email me back and let me hear all that you are up to. Do you ever hear from Kelly?"

Why yes. Yes, I do.

I told Kel about the e-mail and how I wanted to yank Paige's chain. Here's an excerpt from Kel's response.

"Oh my God, that's GREAT! Why in the hell is she writing you? For a couple of years after we were all out of high school she did go around saying that you were in love with me. I, usually being in a drunken stupor, would generally say, "You are being a jackass Paige. Now get away from the keg." AND her mom spread a bunch of rumors that her little friend [insert friend's name here] was gay. So when you told me what happened to your mom, that is one of the reasons I figured it was probably her and/or her mom that got that shit started.

But I digress (or something). You should TOTALLY yank her chain! Pull apart the links if you can. I would love to see the results of all that."

Okay. Can you see the bad influence part?

I'm considering a passive aggressive strategy that mentions those rumors and how bad they hurt my mom in her time of grieving, without sounding like I suspect Paige or her mom of spreading them. Make myself sound like a choirboy when I tell her about myself � "I'm very involved with my Presbyterian church, I help build Habitat for Humanity houses, and I volunteer at a soup kitchen on the weekends" kind of stuff. And then tell Paige that I was completely in love with her during high school. With this tactic, she should only feel guilty or weird about the stuff she's actually guilty of.

But I'm a really BAD liar. So I'm afraid I'll screw it up somehow. What do you think? Have a little wicked fun or leave it alone? I understand that people do scheming shit like this all the time, but I've never tried it. Where are John Malkovich and Glenn Close when you need them?